Beyond biology: How my workplace helped me thrive as a non-gestational mum
When my wife and I decided to try to conceive and create our family, we weren’t aware of the barriers and implications we would face on the pathway to motherhood. We were merely excited for the journey.
At every turn, there were barriers to overcome - assumptions, micro-aggressions, discrimination - all of which we naively were not prepared for. At that time, people like us weren’t having babies. So, we had to muddle through blindly, with a lack of community or representation to lean on, attempting to find positive glimmers where we could. One space we didn’t even consider would be a barrier, was the workplace.
For me, as a non-biological and non-gestational mother, I was unprepared for the lack of support or understanding many healthcare professionals, friends and family members gave me. I found interactions difficult. My anxiety was at at an all-time high and I found myself constantly worried about the fiscal constraints, the fear of failure, and the lack of control which often agitated me to the point of frustration. But the one place my psychological safety was protected, was the workplace.
For me, it was a safe haven, a safe space for me to be just who I was; an intended mother, navigating unknown territory, trying to find my space in our journey and feel validated. My employer couldn’t have made me feel any more supported. Often asking how I was, listening when I came to work upset after another failed cycle or when we lost our baby. Not always informed, but never judging or invalidating my role. If anything, they made me feel more a mother than any other setting I navigated.
They gave me time for every appointment, scan, and consistently checked in on us both and their use of language was always plural, thoughtful and compassionate without being forced. There was no ‘gain’ for them, no ‘we’re doing this do we get this from you’. And when we finally got pregnant with our first child after multiple failed cycles and a miscarriage they were my cheerleaders, excited and congratulatory!
“I didn’t realise at the time I was struggling with postnatal depression or that partners could get it and that I had a problem. But my work knew and supported me through it, during my darkest days and lowest moments.”
The fact that when I struggled with my mental health after our first child was born, when I look back comes as no surprise. My mental health was rock bottom, and I struggled day to day in my role as a new mother. I felt lost, discombobulated and angry, validating myself in every situation, desperately trying to prove I was “mother” enough. I didn’t realise at the time I was struggling with postnatal depression or that partners could get it and that I had a problem. But my work knew and supported me through it, during my darkest days and lowest moments.
It could have been very different. My experiences in other settings were traumatic, difficult and confusing. My mental health was on a downward trajectory, even though I wasn’t aware of it, and the postnatal crash after an incredibly discriminatory and upsetting experience when the baby was a day old brought my mental health crashing down. But throughout, the workplace was my constant, and those around me were my safe space while I struggled for a lengthy time with the experience I’d had, and coming to terms with having to validate myself at every turn.
What workplaces and employers often forget is that, for some, they don’t have many safe spaces or support networks.
For some, they have lost families, friends, colleagues along the way. For some, the workplace may be the only support network they have and they desperately need it to be just that; a space to support you through the toughest of times. Becoming a parent is one of the biggest life experiences you will go through, and if the workplace can support you through that time, it can make things exponentially more positive, easier to navigate and happier.
Protecting your mental health is crucial when you’re an intended or new parent, and there’s intersectionality surrounding the barriers and discrimination people face across multiple communities, especially if you “tick more than one box”.
It is vital that employers have robust policies in place to support all intended parents, but also can provide education and training to staff to ensure they understand all family creation pathways and what the journey may look like. But it’s also about listening intently, reading between the lines, simply asking “are you ok?” or “how can we support you on this journey better?” We spend most of our lives at work, so if workplaces can support people’s mental health on their greatest journey and pathway of all, it will only create more positive experiences, loyal employees, and happier parents.
